Something stolen

Here’s a hard truth to swallow.

Time wasted.

First thing that comes to my mind when I say that, definitely the usage of Pinterest. I’m sure if someone pulled up my life stats, all they’d see is one sentence.

“Lauren wastes one-third of her life on Pinterest.”

The last two-thirds? Doing what life says needs to be done. Work, school, friendships, family relationships – these are important things, but you’ll understand later down. Then there’s a little itty-bitty bit that is used up with that one-third of me actually writing.

Lately I’ve been focusing on writing much more than Pinterest and other things that – are truthfully – motivators not to write. It’s not that I don’t like writing, I’m writing a blog about that exact thing. . . It’s that I’m scared to write. I’m scared to write and make something so crappy, I would harbor it forever as a regret.

I remember one thing my therapist told me, I need to sometimes focus on myself. It’s not selfish at all to think about yourself for one day out of every month, or every week. I spend most of my time not working, living a busy life, on Pinterest. I do so much just lying around or focusing on everybody else, that I forget about myself. I forget to be inspired, to focus on what I love, to really be me in what I am – a writer!

I’ve since them, lowered my time on Pinterest. Don’t get me wrong, I still like it, but I let it control my life less and less than it wants to. Not to say Pinterest is evil, I’ve developed many a story there, but I need to stop thinking about being a writer, and actually be one. In fact, Pinterest has both inspired and scared me in the writing business. So many people want to be come writers, and so many people are writings books alongside me – some days I feel my own book will get drowned out in the crowd.

But, even if it does, there’s always someone there to look at it, and read its pages – cling to them, drip their eyes across every word carefully to make sure what they were reading was right.

No matter what, whatever lack of motivation there is, I always have to keep going. The key to being a writer, as I’ve learned through time, is NEVER stop dreaming. Always be dreaming, always be looking for the newness that’s out there, just waiting around the bin. Dreaming is a writer’s secret way of motivation, in fact, I recently stumbled across a quote by Oscar Wilde that I loved:

“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Yes, we’re different. Yes, we see things in a light that seems so much dimmer than usual. But in the end, we find the first drop of inspiration of the day, and we are the ones who are able to seize that before anyone else.

The truth must be told though, we’re far from early birds. We’re night stalkers. We don’t fall asleep and awake in the early dawn. We stay awake until the early dawn, only to fall asleep when we’ve completely worn ourselves out by doing so. But we’re dreamers, the believers, the ones who don’t stop going because society said lights out. . . And to that, we say, you can’t switch off the moon.

I understand this whole blog post is kind of. . . Scattered. But my main point I wanted to write about, was motivation. So many things in life pull me to and fro, away from what I love dearly, writing. I’ve had many times, when I wasn’t able to write for days at a time, and I found myself going completely crazy. Some of those times, were because of a lack of motivation. I felt depressed, stressed, panicked, whatever other life excuse I could use. And no, I would never say that those are sad excuses, those are very real and actually, far from excuses. (To anyone suffering from those, I know your pain, and don’t think it’s something that’s wrong with you. Nothing is wrong. . . It may be hard, but that’s what makes you stronger.)

In fact, the second quarter of college last year, I was dealing with Panic Disorder without even knowing it. I had constant panic attacks, quite a few breakdowns, and almost nightly suicidal thoughts. Not at all am I looking for pity, I’m actually pretty open about the subject with about anyone I know – if they just ask.

When the quarter finished, a whole three months with barely any writing coming out of me – I was the exact definition of drained. I had therapy thereafter, and that’s where I learned to enjoy my own time to myself. I learned from that moment, that I had to stop letting everything stop me. I was going through a hard time, but I also let it  completely stop me in the tracks of looking at myself as someone who sorely needed a good pampering – and a whole lot of motivation. I let life stop me from living.

From then, I’ve drawn motivation from a lot of things. Waking up every day, motivation to live. Breathing every moment, motivation to keep on moving. Knowing that my mind may be powerful, but I have control, motivation to not let it be my puppeteer. All of that, motivation to write because that’s who I am.

Life is swarming around, and it’s our duty to notice. Because when we don’t, it soon passes us, and when we look up, we’re all grown into our sixties, wondering where life went. Enjoy life, live, have fun. . . And whatever you’re going through, know there’s an end, and always know, that you can draw motivation from it. I’m a stronger me, a more creative me, because I realized that we only have one life. No YOLO – even if it’s mostly faded. Instead, use it properly, you only live once, and take advantage of that. Be who you want to be, love who you are and all that you do, because motivation is everywhere, life is everywhere, and if you ever feel like you can’t control it. . . Take care of yourself, be selfish for a day, because it’s not really selfish to be selfish when you really need time off from life.

And most importantly, don’t let life stop you. If I had, I wouldn’t be here today, writing a novel and – poorly – writing about IT on my blog. I mean, I will get around to it, but I tend to write what’s on my mind, heart, and soul. So, many of my blog posts may not be exactly about my story, more or less my adventure with and through it, and the life I’ve lived to get to this point.

Now, I think I’ve beat a dead horse with speaking about what my blogs about. So I’ll let that be, and people can think whatever they want to hereafter. But just know, writing is a journey, but it’s not just our fingers that develop the stories, it’s experiences in life, thoughts, dreams, fears, all channeled through our fingers onto keys and into a blank screen. Writing is a lifestyle, and it’s a freaking good one!


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