I have so many favorite poems and quotes, one would think that through those, it’s the only way I know how to speak. . . They’d be absolutely right. Some days my mind is so scattered, it’s the quotes of those before me that set me back on the right track. When I fall, quotes. When I cry, Quotes. When I ponder, quotes. Maybe you’re like that too, and that’s awesome, we share something in common. Common ground, of course, is always the base of friendship.
Why do I have Erin Hanson’s quote up on my home screen? It’s quite easy, so I’ll tell you. That quote, is what makes me keep moving on, even when I feel like stopping. I’ve feared so many things in my life – of course my panic disorder doesn’t help with that, but that’s another post. Let me start again, I’ve feared so many things in my life, and I’ve let so much of that fear stop me from really doing something I love. When I first read that quote, I was going through a hard time, and it lost me in thought.
Really, truly, what if I did fly?
But what if I fell?
Falling, is a fear that’s universal, I have yet to meet someone who isn’t afraid of that. For who wants to live their life jumping off cliffs, and every single time, hitting the basin? Absolutely no one. Some people have more bravery than others, but even they have their limits on perseverance when failing stops being an option and a way of life. But as I see it, we can either fail and stay down, or fail and learn from our mistakes.
When I look at that quote, I don’t see wings magically appearing and someone flying on their first try. I see someone beaten and broken and thoroughly bruised from a thousand other tries. I see someone who has spilled an ocean of tears, someone who’s had claws rip through their thoughts until they were shredded lies, someone who knows what it’s like to fail, get back up again, and fail once more. When I look at that quote, I see someone fearing the next chance they have to jump, and not wanting to take it. What I see, is Erin Hanson saying, that, yes, you may fall and hit the basin, but you may also have learned from all your mistakes, and this time, fly to your destination. The quote is about hope, knowing that you will one day get there, even when you don’t feel like it.
“Oh, but Darling, what if you fly?”
But, it’s okay to fear too. This quote isn’t supposed to enact some brave chemical in your brain and give you super wings. It’s to give you hope that you can get to the other side. It’s why they call it a leap of faith, and not a leap of facts. You really don’t know if you’re going to fly the next time you jump; but if you do fall, you can have hope that you’re one jump closer to flying – never, ever, will you be one jump farther. Each fail, is a lesson to learn, of course, those that don’t learn, are doomed to repeat their mistakes. Those that do, well, the leap of faith may yet be on their side.
And no, when I talk about this quote, I don’t come from sympathy for those I’ve watched jump. I come from raw experience with these situations. I’ve had moments where I’ve jumped countless times, and never once flown. Then, when I finally learn, when I finally take that brave step to do what I know must be done. . . I fly.
I’ve learned from that quote, and because of that, I’ve finally gotten myself on a good path. Albeit it’s not perfect, because let’s face it, real perfection doesn’t exist. But it’s a good path, and one I don’t want to give up. I’ve come far in a lot of things, and I have hope because I know what it’s like to lose it.
This blog isn’t a straight path for me though, it’s very much a steep cliff. I leaped though, and as I fall, I’ll listen to the wind howl past my ears, I’ll feel as it kisses my skin, and I’ll hope that I’ll gain my wings so that one day. In this journey, as I scrawl my feelings out on here, I’ll reach my destination.